The Passage--It Begins...

Everyone (yes, all 5 of you), meet Parker:

Okay, so not the greatest picture ever, but I'm unsure of how cool she'd be with me posting the picture of her as Hedwig (for Halloween). I am on the left, she is on the right, that is Rockefeller Plaza, and those are two canes we are wielding. Got it?

On the journey through the 766-page behemoth that is Justin Cronin's The Passage, Parker will be my co-pilot. For you readers out there, she will also be the voice of wisdom, for she is far more knowledgeable about this genre of book. That being said--Parker and I reached one similar conclusion after reading the first 50 pages: This is supposed to be about vampires?

In Chapter 1 we met "the Girl from Nowhere" (aka--Amy Harper Bellafonte), who I'm pretty sure isn't a vampire, but as Parker put it so eloquently: 

So little baby girl moses, she of the humble beginnings and orphaned life is OF COURSE destined for some sort of messianic future. This is standard. Absolutely NEEDED in all stereotypical epic/fantasy tales. But in case you are coming to this genre as a newcomer our dear author has TOLD us in the first lines that this girl will be VERY IMPORTANT. So take special care when reading the story of her poor mother. If you don't kill yourself before you finish the chapter.

(Note: For the sake of clarity, all direct quotes from Miz Parker are or will be tinted blue.) 

So, being that I'm not really a fantasy or sci-fi literature enthusiast, I didn't realize this was a standard or predictable approach. All I thought was that it was really annoying that we get this little, stereotypical vignette about a girl and her single, prostitute mother that we abandon by the very next chapter. Since I have no background in this type of lit, I can't really criticize it based on comparisons to more successful versions--but I can say that the plot line and writing style were easy, at best.

While I was not ready to throw in the towel completely, like Parker, after the first chapter alone, I will admit it was/is taking a lot of effort on my part to get into this book. Parker and I do agree that Chapter 2 was the easier to get into, which may have had to do with its design:

The second chapter totally saved the novel. I LOVE the set up. It reminds me of those old point and click RPGs where you have to find out what has happened and what the mystery is to be solved by finding old letters and newspaper clippings.

Chapter 2 introduced "lear@amedd.army.mil", or Jonas. His plotline is definitely more science-fiction-y than dear old Amy's, but it is still leaving a lot to be desired. For example, WHERE ARE THE VAMPIRES?!?! Parker expressed similar frustration (but with a lot more information on this genre to back up her chutzpah): 

I really hope that there are some ancient alien/animal/human hybrid god people in the amazonian jungle that will come out and eat everyone's faces off. Vampires ARE OUR OVERLORDS! The old one's worshipped them, and they lorded their immortality and healing over us puny humansand then they went into the jungle and we forgot them and NOW THEYRE GOING TO SEND THEIR BAT MINIONS TO EAT OUR FACES OFF. Statues are never portenders of good things in fantasy. never.
 

Chapter 3 was definitely the most interesting for me--which may have something (or a lot) to do with my love for all things Law-and-Order-ish. Chapter 3 brought about Anthony Carter (See: The Green Mile), and Agents Doyle and Wolgast (See: Lennie Briscoe and Rey Curtis, a la Law and Order). The author himself likens this part of the book to the X-Files and he ain't wrong. 

All in all, the book is very difficult to get into. Especially since, I believe, there is no one character that is likable or relatable...yet. I have to post the following excerpt from Parker's Chapter 3 write-up, in its entirety, because it's just satirical brilliance: 

Where the fuck are the vampires?Armageddon? Post-apocolyptic mail delivering gasoline hoarding Tina Turner's HAIR is coming over for drinks later PLOT?! No let's just follow sad, dumb, boring, did I mention SAD whats-his-name as he exploits yet another down on their luck poor person in the name of Anthony Carter. I'm sure he'll be the hero of the novel at this point because he is the most interesting... because he is confused. 9and probably mentally handicapped) No one else is confused... everyone else is an automoton of plot exposition. God I hope this gets better.

What was happening again? Oh.. yea Mr. Sadmcsadpants and his Partner the plucky but naive Mr Doesitwithcollegegirls are in Texas. Texas sucks. We know Texas sucks because it starts a very long and boring story about how Mr. Sadmcsadpants had to move to Texas when he was in middle school (note: middle school sucks no matter what state you're in) and somehow that led him to getting married and then pregnant and then his baby dies a tragic death of.. what I am assuming is disease or something vampirism could have cured, and then his wife leaves him for some clone of him and there are really embarrassing late phonecalls to the ex wife and crying.

 While my reading of this first 50 pages of this book didn't end in an *epic le sigh* or a plea for one of the book's characters to kill me--like Miz Parker's did--I will say it can only get better from here.(**For Parker's full write-up, please see the tab that says The Passage.)

If it doesn't, well then I may be asking for some iced tea and a better introduction into this genre of novel.