I must begin this entry with a warning:
Do not read this book if you have ever read any fantasy/sci-fi/genre literature ever before.
I say this because I think a severe lack of knowledge in this arena is crucial. Evidence: I am tolerating this book. Parker, however, is not.
I assume this is how Parker looks while reading The Passage although we are many miles apart:
Blond wig and all...
I assume this is how Parker looks while reading The Passage although we are many miles apart:
Now to the specifics, the review, if you will...
[This review will begin as a conversation had between Parker and I. This conversation actually happened (for realz) on Monday, October 18th on the wonder that is Gmail Chat. Prepare yourself for our chat-speak. I say 'haha' a lot. And yes, I actually laugh that much.]
1:41 PMme: speaking of black people...i like carter too1:42 PM but he's designed for you to pity him and pity can manifest itself as likabilityhaha
1:43 PM Rachel: .. is carter a book character or a real person? 1:44 PMme: bookhaha
Rachel: jesus.. im sorry. i honestly cant remember any of their namesi want them all to dieso the stupid black ex con as opposed to the stupid white pedophile1:45 PM oh god.. they are victims.. woe
me: haha they probably will...if that's any consolationthat's why i like 6 year old amybecause under any normal circumstance she would be a victimbut i don't feel that way about her at allno pity or concernand perhaps that's because i know she's going to rise above in some way
Rachel: i want to know why everyone in this novel has an iq of like.. 12
1:46 PM me: hahapaulson doesn'tthe book actually says 136hahahahaha
Rachel: is paulson one of the emailers?
me: paulson is probably just a minor character to you right now
Rachel: we're supposed to take it for granted that he is smart b/c he can email
me: he gets slightly biggerhaha
1:47 PM Rachel: i feel like this book got really good reviews bc when you read it you feel like the author is making profound grapes of wrath style commentary about american society
but you cant really figure it out so you say "oh it was brilliant"
whereas i feel like.. this book blows
and is boring
and not inventive at all
not even a little
me: right now it is a pretty bad book...but i'm thinking that because it's so long, it's just taking longer to get to the point
Rachel: that.. is not an excuse
me: hahano it's not
Rachel: go ask mark. he'll say that is no excuse.
me: but it's my hopeful way of saying "please get better"
Rachel: oh its long.. that means i have more room at the beginning to suck?now ay
me: yeah. right now it does blow1:48 PM although i will say that i have definitely noticed i've picked up speed reading post page 150so maybe that's a sign
Rachel: i mean.. people criticise tolkien (ok so he's a mastaer but just for comparisons sake.. which is prolly totally unfair) for his story being too much beginningbut ya kno wwhat.. the beginning is awesome. and who cares if its too long in the graph of the story
me: well and he is telling the story of a whole culture, a whole historyhe has to set it up
Rachel: ok
me: and when its a large subject, it takes a while1:49 PM so tolkien has every reason behind a long beginning
Rachel: good point, but if uh.. whatshisname who wrote the passage... is NOT world building as you claimwhy do i have a whole chapter devoted to telling me how highways cross?i mean jesus
me: hahaha
Rachel: wtf was with that chapter
me: yeah1:50 PM like i said...the only possible explanation is that because he wrote such a long book, he felt the need to have a long beginning??hahaagain, this is what i'm hoping
Rachel: I GET IT YOU GUYS ARE FLYING UNDER THE RADAR.. i dont particularly care how you plan your trip. it is IRRELEVANT DATA
me: because the next 500 pages are going to be rough if they play out like the first 150
Rachel: it doesnt help world building b/c youre in this world just in the future a little. so i get where arkansas is in relationship to mississippiits not like they moved
1:51 PM me: haha
Rachel: at least you have pages. my kindle just tells me percentage read
me: yeah. the only thing i can think of is that it's his fiction, not fantasy, background...and typically fiction has a lot more description?
Rachel: and it is a piddly little percentage
me: hahaha
yeah
Rachel: bullshitfantasy is nothing but description. tolkien spent 2 pages ON A LEAF
1:52 PM me: hahahabut that leaf mattered?
Rachel: noit didntat allpeople hate that damn leaf
me: haha so tolkien's leaf is to cronin's routeshaha
1:53 PM Rachel: not really. i dont find cronin to be a particularly beautiful or talented writerhe lists things
me: yeah. and he has very cliche statements
Rachel: and his author's voice is like.. flowers for algernon when he's retarded again
me: that has been bothering me most
Rachel: honestly its like.. old and tired
me: is that when he has the opportunity to use a cliche-supposed-to-be-deep-
1:54 PM Rachel: is anything beautiful yet? mostly its like.. brown and grey and roads and stickynessi feel like all thes urfaces in his world are sticky
me: i think i'm just going to post this conversation for my blog posthaha
Rachel: and everyone is stupid
me: um. have you gotten to the zoo yet?
Rachel: ive gotten to the nun thinking about eh zoo and how its wrong bu tshes going to take amy there anyways
me: oh man1:55 PM yeah...the action is coming slowly but surely
Rachel: EVERYONE IS SO STUPID.. im like ok awesome your a nun. you do nothing bu treadoh wait.. youre retarded
me: no she's notyou find out more about her too
Rachel: der.. why did i lie? derrrr will amy like the zoo? derrrrr
me: it gets better (not in the gay way) {Sidenote: See this video if you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say 'it gets better (not in the gay way). Or this video. Or this video. Heck. Google "It Gets Better." Voila!} haha1:56 PM i think/hope that cronin's descriptive ways is just to build layers
Rachel: layers of dirty scotch tape?
me: because now knowing what happens with lacey, i can see why he had that whole internal struggle about taking her to the zoohaha
Rachel: i dont know what happens to laceyomg.. please tell me she is eaten by a rampaging lion
me: right
Rachel: trampled by an angry elephant
1:57 PM me: close...hahai'm telling you...it gets better
Rachel: DOES HER FACE GET EATEN OFF BY A VAMPIRE BAT
me: HAHAi think you have to wait til at least page 200 for that to happenactuallyless than thatchapter 11haha
Rachel: i think im on.. chapte 5or 6
me: not lacey thoughi'm telling you1:58 PM it picks up the pacenot a lot, but enoughand then chapter 10 it picks it up a little morei'm not writing off this book entirely yet
Rachel: hilarious. im so tolerant of non paced movies. i love me some period british tv. sitting in chairs. staring.. not talking. sighingbut this book is intolerableits like being at teh dmvthis book is like.. if the dmv wrote a vampire noveland if the dmv were an entity that could write
1:59 PM me: hahait gets betterhahayou are in the thick of the dmv right nowbut come chapter 7 or so, you'll be outside, with your renewed license2:00 PM and then chapter 10 you'll be getting into your car when all of a sudden you realize you don't want your car, you must steal another one
Rachel: lol i hope so
me: it picks up the pacehaha
Rachel: and with that.. my lunch is over. back to the workity grind
me: hahaawesomekeep reading. and if you can get your notes to me by wednesday night, then i'll post before heading to Chi-town!woohoo!
2:01 PM Rachel: no problem. you'll have them.
[This review will begin as a conversation had between Parker and I. This conversation actually happened (for realz) on Monday, October 18th on the wonder that is Gmail Chat. Prepare yourself for our chat-speak. I say 'haha' a lot. And yes, I actually laugh that much.]
1:30 PM me: i am actually AHEAD of our reading schedule!look at that!haha
Rachel: damnim pretty behindimma try1:31 PMim slogging thru this guy whos name i cant remember.. the pedophile who watches the batmen
me: ugh yeahgreyhis story is really not interesting1:32 PM has he puked yet?
Rachel: none of their storeis are very interestingno me: oh
Rachel: he's ruminating on his medication
me: oh yeah..that part was slowi like amythat's about itand i hate richards so much that i enjoy reading the parts about him because it fuels my hate-firehaha
1:33 PM Rachel: who's richards?i .. know none of their names
me: hahahe is like the head guy at the basereal prickwatches the camera footage...kind of head of operationshaha
Rachel: right now all the male characters.. are the same person in my head
me: haha1:34 PM i think wolgast and doyle are unique
Rachel: i mean they are all the mind numbling dumb southern 45 year old. either military or ex con me: all the guys at the base merge together thoughhahayeah
Rachel: i hope something happens soon or im going to be like.. WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE
me: i will say that the book got more interesting after chapter 10
Rachel: library thing has incredibly mixed reviews
Rachel: damnim pretty behindimma try1:31 PMim slogging thru this guy whos name i cant remember.. the pedophile who watches the batmen
me: ugh yeahgreyhis story is really not interesting1:32 PM has he puked yet?
Rachel: none of their storeis are very interestingno me: oh
Rachel: he's ruminating on his medication
me: oh yeah..that part was slowi like amythat's about itand i hate richards so much that i enjoy reading the parts about him because it fuels my hate-firehaha
1:33 PM Rachel: who's richards?i .. know none of their names
me: hahahe is like the head guy at the basereal prickwatches the camera footage...kind of head of operationshaha
Rachel: right now all the male characters.. are the same person in my head
me: haha1:34 PM i think wolgast and doyle are unique
Rachel: i mean they are all the mind numbling dumb southern 45 year old. either military or ex con me: all the guys at the base merge together thoughhahayeah
Rachel: i hope something happens soon or im going to be like.. WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE
me: i will say that the book got more interesting after chapter 10
Rachel: library thing has incredibly mixed reviews
me: page 183 i remember marking because it was where there was finally a point {Pause. Let's ruminate on how much I really do say 'haha', made evident by just this small portion of our conversation. Also, we are pausing because this is where Parker and I had a conversational aside on cultural identity, race and music. Yep, we are interested in more than vampires and bad books. This conversation goes from about 1:35pm to 1:41pm. Back to our regularly scheduled program...}
1:41 PMme: speaking of black people...i like carter too1:42 PM but he's designed for you to pity him and pity can manifest itself as likabilityhaha
1:43 PM Rachel: .. is carter a book character or a real person? 1:44 PMme: bookhaha
Rachel: jesus.. im sorry. i honestly cant remember any of their namesi want them all to dieso the stupid black ex con as opposed to the stupid white pedophile1:45 PM oh god.. they are victims.. woe
me: haha they probably will...if that's any consolationthat's why i like 6 year old amybecause under any normal circumstance she would be a victimbut i don't feel that way about her at allno pity or concernand perhaps that's because i know she's going to rise above in some way
Rachel: i want to know why everyone in this novel has an iq of like.. 12
1:46 PM me: hahapaulson doesn'tthe book actually says 136hahahahaha
Rachel: is paulson one of the emailers?
me: paulson is probably just a minor character to you right now
Rachel: we're supposed to take it for granted that he is smart b/c he can email
me: he gets slightly biggerhaha
1:47 PM Rachel: i feel like this book got really good reviews bc when you read it you feel like the author is making profound grapes of wrath style commentary about american society
but you cant really figure it out so you say "oh it was brilliant"
whereas i feel like.. this book blows
and is boring
and not inventive at all
not even a little
me: right now it is a pretty bad book...but i'm thinking that because it's so long, it's just taking longer to get to the point
Rachel: that.. is not an excuse
me: hahano it's not
Rachel: go ask mark. he'll say that is no excuse.
me: but it's my hopeful way of saying "please get better"
Rachel: oh its long.. that means i have more room at the beginning to suck?now ay
me: yeah. right now it does blow1:48 PM although i will say that i have definitely noticed i've picked up speed reading post page 150so maybe that's a sign
Rachel: i mean.. people criticise tolkien (ok so he's a mastaer but just for comparisons sake.. which is prolly totally unfair) for his story being too much beginningbut ya kno wwhat.. the beginning is awesome. and who cares if its too long in the graph of the story
me: well and he is telling the story of a whole culture, a whole historyhe has to set it up
Rachel: ok
me: and when its a large subject, it takes a while1:49 PM so tolkien has every reason behind a long beginning
Rachel: good point, but if uh.. whatshisname who wrote the passage... is NOT world building as you claimwhy do i have a whole chapter devoted to telling me how highways cross?i mean jesus
me: hahaha
Rachel: wtf was with that chapter
me: yeah1:50 PM like i said...the only possible explanation is that because he wrote such a long book, he felt the need to have a long beginning??hahaagain, this is what i'm hoping
Rachel: I GET IT YOU GUYS ARE FLYING UNDER THE RADAR.. i dont particularly care how you plan your trip. it is IRRELEVANT DATA
me: because the next 500 pages are going to be rough if they play out like the first 150
Rachel: it doesnt help world building b/c youre in this world just in the future a little. so i get where arkansas is in relationship to mississippiits not like they moved
1:51 PM me: haha
Rachel: at least you have pages. my kindle just tells me percentage read
me: yeah. the only thing i can think of is that it's his fiction, not fantasy, background...and typically fiction has a lot more description?
Rachel: and it is a piddly little percentage
me: hahaha
yeah
Rachel: bullshitfantasy is nothing but description. tolkien spent 2 pages ON A LEAF
1:52 PM me: hahahabut that leaf mattered?
Rachel: noit didntat allpeople hate that damn leaf
me: haha so tolkien's leaf is to cronin's routeshaha
1:53 PM Rachel: not really. i dont find cronin to be a particularly beautiful or talented writerhe lists things
me: yeah. and he has very cliche statements
Rachel: and his author's voice is like.. flowers for algernon when he's retarded again
me: that has been bothering me most
Rachel: honestly its like.. old and tired
me: is that when he has the opportunity to use a cliche-supposed-to-be-deep-
1:54 PM Rachel: is anything beautiful yet? mostly its like.. brown and grey and roads and stickynessi feel like all thes urfaces in his world are sticky
me: i think i'm just going to post this conversation for my blog posthaha
Rachel: and everyone is stupid
me: um. have you gotten to the zoo yet?
Rachel: ive gotten to the nun thinking about eh zoo and how its wrong bu tshes going to take amy there anyways
me: oh man1:55 PM yeah...the action is coming slowly but surely
Rachel: EVERYONE IS SO STUPID.. im like ok awesome your a nun. you do nothing bu treadoh wait.. youre retarded
me: no she's notyou find out more about her too
Rachel: der.. why did i lie? derrrr will amy like the zoo? derrrrr
me: it gets better (not in the gay way) {Sidenote: See this video if you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say 'it gets better (not in the gay way). Or this video. Or this video. Heck. Google "It Gets Better." Voila!} haha1:56 PM i think/hope that cronin's descriptive ways is just to build layers
Rachel: layers of dirty scotch tape?
me: because now knowing what happens with lacey, i can see why he had that whole internal struggle about taking her to the zoohaha
Rachel: i dont know what happens to laceyomg.. please tell me she is eaten by a rampaging lion
me: right
Rachel: trampled by an angry elephant
1:57 PM me: close...hahai'm telling you...it gets better
Rachel: DOES HER FACE GET EATEN OFF BY A VAMPIRE BAT
me: HAHAi think you have to wait til at least page 200 for that to happenactuallyless than thatchapter 11haha
Rachel: i think im on.. chapte 5or 6
me: not lacey thoughi'm telling you1:58 PM it picks up the pacenot a lot, but enoughand then chapter 10 it picks it up a little morei'm not writing off this book entirely yet
Rachel: hilarious. im so tolerant of non paced movies. i love me some period british tv. sitting in chairs. staring.. not talking. sighingbut this book is intolerableits like being at teh dmvthis book is like.. if the dmv wrote a vampire noveland if the dmv were an entity that could write
1:59 PM me: hahait gets betterhahayou are in the thick of the dmv right nowbut come chapter 7 or so, you'll be outside, with your renewed license2:00 PM and then chapter 10 you'll be getting into your car when all of a sudden you realize you don't want your car, you must steal another one
Rachel: lol i hope so
me: it picks up the pacehaha
Rachel: and with that.. my lunch is over. back to the workity grind
me: hahaawesomekeep reading. and if you can get your notes to me by wednesday night, then i'll post before heading to Chi-town!woohoo!
2:01 PM Rachel: no problem. you'll have them.
me: woohoo! cya later alligator
So I don't blame you, any of you, if you don't want to read all that (although it's pretty entertaining so I recommend it), so here is the Cliffsnotes version:
CLIFFSNOTES: The Passage Review by Keough and Parker
I say "So I am already past Chapter 9."
Parker says "Really? Because this sucks so hard I can't help but fall asleep or want to die and I'm only on Chapter 6."
[Insert aside.]
I say "Yeah. I understand. But as a person who has gone ahead a little bit, it gets better." (Insert links to videos relating to the recently started "It Gets Better" phenomenon.)
Parker says "REALLY?! I don't believe you. [Insert comparison to Tolkien's leaf. If you want to know what this is all about then you have to read the real-deal. There are no shortcuts to the good stuff in life.]
I say "Well, you don't have to believe me, but I'm still hopeful."
Parker says the *QUOTE OF THE CONVERSATION* or "This book is like if the dmv wrote a book about vampires."
I say awesomely brilliant things about how she's right but that she will soon be less right (if only a teensy, tiny bit.)
We end on a draw. Me thinking she is probably right--This books sucks and will continue to suck--and Parker thinking about lunch.
The End.
(Also, as always, for Parker's more formulated comments on Chapters 4-9, please see "The Passage" tab at the top of the page.)
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