Probably not. But I'd like to think so. Mayjay props to Miz Parker for locating and reposting this gem.
Showing posts with label Miz Parker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miz Parker. Show all posts
Monday, July 25, 2011
Correlation?
Is there a connection/correlation between me getting a teaching gig in art history at a local community college and me seeing this picture in the same day?
Probably not. But I'd like to think so. Mayjay props to Miz Parker for locating and reposting this gem.
Probably not. But I'd like to think so. Mayjay props to Miz Parker for locating and reposting this gem.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Title of This Post: "I Don't Wanna"
Subtitle: Review of The Passage, chapters inconsequential-trivial
So Parker, up until now, has been the voice of pessimism regarding Mr. Cronin's opus. I have now realized that pessimism is sometimes reason's first cousin--and the one you really like, not the one you hate. In normal-people-terms? This book sucks.
Again, we are only up to Chapter 20 and this book has a million so it could improve, but realistically? I finally got invested in two of the characters and then Chapter 16 rolls around and we change point of view, location and time frame. Poof! Those two characters are gone and we have a new one--one that is exactly how Parker described the majority of Cronin's characters: STUPID! I would be down for a change in pace and perspective if I hadn't expended all my energy getting into the original point of view, location(s) and time frame. Bottom line: WTF?!
Here's what Parker had to say (I'm putting her whole email commentary here because both of our reviews have gotten quite pithy):
At some point maybe a person should give up.
But that is not me. I persevere.
Well, first I leave my kindle in the bottom of my bag. Not even touching it to read something else because of my guilt. Then the battery dies and I use that as an excuse for a while before I admit to being a total pussy.
"YOU GOT THROUGH THINGS FALL APART, YOU CAN DO THIS PARKER!"
Right.
So.. finally something happens. But could it be any more boring? I have no idea what page the break out finally occurs on (b/c I have a kindle) but I imagine its page 100 or so. For 100 pages I've been telling myself, “they are going to break out”. By the time it happens, I don't even CARE anymore. I've been reading ahead and reading reviews and the virals/glowsticks/
Yet in the break out none of this is even alluded to. Does Anthony attempt to slowly think about the situation? Does he realize that eating people is bad mmkay? No. He flies/jumps around like a frog on speed and eats them. BAM. Your head taste of ideas! YUMMY. SWOOSH. Your arm is a twizzler of fun! THWAP. Your hip implant has become stuck in my teeth. Do you have any floss?
But let’s talk about the worst part of all of this. Good ole Little Miss Lacey-the-Nun appears on top of the government fortified and protected mountain base. How did she get here? She walked. How did she know where to go? SHE JUST DID.
What?
This part is TOTALLY GLOSSED. (I’m going to paraphrase this because I can’t be bothered to pick up my kindle and scroll thru tiny screens) “I followed my feet.” (pssst, Rachel.. that’s from A Knight’s Tale) ((You’re right self, that is much too good for Cronin to have come up with)) How about, “Something told me where to go.” Fuck it. Whatever. So the nun had a PTSD event in a zoo. Then she got up, and decided to stalk the little girl by wandering around the HUGE expanse that is America until she just happened to arrive at the base. Maybe she has special powers and this will be explained.
Oh.. what Mr Cronin? She appeared, got shot at and miraculously missed, only to do nothing but run around like as ass, jump into AND THEN IMMEDIATELY OUT OF a car and then eaten by Anthony?
THEN WHY THE FUCK DID THE CHARACTER EVEN SHOW UP? (heaving ranty breaths…)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh.. because you needed a person on the other side of the grate to help Mr. Sadmcsadpants hoist Amy to freedom? But.. Mr. Sleepswithcollegegirls was totally on that. Plus he already had a plausible reason for being at the base BEING DETAINED ALONG WITH THE MAIN CHARACTERS. Oh.. but he gets eaten too. Fine. Fuck. You . That still doesn’t make any sense. Why do you need another random character to show up to help? Because you just free wrote this shit without outlining anything? Fine. Kill the nun. Kill the promiscuous partner. Now what?
Well.. now that we’ve escaped with a sweet ride and all the glowsticks have eaten everyone and escaped into the treetops like rabid gibbons lets go camping.
HAHA.. WHAT?
So then I read about a million pages of camping. In a cabin. Amy has some sort of mental connection with the vamps. She can repel or attract them. Blah blah blah.. a trillion pages later someone lets off a nuclear bomb nearby. The camping continues. Mr. Sadmcsadpants gets radiation poisoning and dies.
HURRAY. That was a nice story. But the book is only 25% done. Joy.
Flash forward 100 years . I’m suddenly back in Myst and I’m reading a journal by someone named Auntie. She tells us of her escape from Philly as a small girl. She meets up with her cousin. They take trains with other refugee children West. Most don’t make it. They get to quarantine/military base somewhere in the desert. They begin a colony under a bubble of light. BLAH FUGGITY BLAH. MADMAX. BLAH BLAH. WATERWORLD. BLAAHHHHHH RESIDENT EVIL. BLAH.
Then we go back in time a few years and we get a whole new batch of characters with very little education who have lived in the little isolated compound for 3 or 4 generations. There’s a governing document that lets me know fuck all. When people are taken and turned into vamps they often come back to the compound. There is a tradition of standing vigil on the wall for a relative if t hey are taken and killing them all dead if they show up.
Lemme guess. Amy shows up b/c she is clearly going to be immortal or something but she will not be an adult I promise. She attracts all the vamps. Maybe even babcock or something. Somebody(bodies) get all mindcontrolled to open the doors. EVERYONE IS ON THE RUN THRU THE DESERT. They find other small settlements. They hate each other, no one trusts anyone. Somebody lame pairs up with Amy. They find an antidote for the virals but it probably kills them instead of turning them back human. Maybe it turns them human first then kills them b/c I really want Anthony to show up again to go.. “Don’t know why I ate those people. I just did.”
The End?
Not yet?
FUCK.
So, as you can see, Parker and I are just about finished reading this book and we're not even a quarter done. Uf. The worst part about this book for me is that not only is the plot sort of boring (and when it's not boring it is completely unbelievable), but it is poorly written in my opinion. Using simple declarative sentences 99% of the time does not an interesting book make. And the characters! WHY DO I CARE?! Oh right, I don't. Parker doesn't. But you know who does?
Terry Brooks.
Who the eff is that? Yeah I didn't know either. But Parker did, so that means he's important to the sci-fi/fantasy genre and nerds everywhere. Wikipedia tells me he is actually very important. Check it out for yourself. Back to the point:
He gave The Passage a thumbs up. Parker was dismayed: "I'm very dissapointed in Terry Brooks. While it is true that Cronin's timeline and large cast are interesting.. thats like saying a cardboard cake looks really good. DOES IT TASTE GOOD TERRY?" Parker is so witty. And right.
If you don't want to write this book off just yet, here is an interview that Parker found between a GoodReads person and Justin Cronin. It's about as enthralling as The Passage. You've been warned.
Alright. Negative blog post complete. Let's hope that next time I update this blog with a review of The Passage I'll have something nice to say. Because, as we all know, if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.
PS--In case you were wondering, and just to hit it home, Parker's review email was entitled: "The Passage write up. I did this one like a bandaid and just fucking wrote it. Didn't delineate the chapters b/c looking to see what happens in which chapter make me want to die." Yep. That sums it up.
Terry Brooks.
Who the eff is that? Yeah I didn't know either. But Parker did, so that means he's important to the sci-fi/fantasy genre and nerds everywhere. Wikipedia tells me he is actually very important. Check it out for yourself. Back to the point:
He gave The Passage a thumbs up. Parker was dismayed: "I'm very dissapointed in Terry Brooks. While it is true that Cronin's timeline and large cast are interesting.. thats like saying a cardboard cake looks really good. DOES IT TASTE GOOD TERRY?" Parker is so witty. And right.
If you don't want to write this book off just yet, here is an interview that Parker found between a GoodReads person and Justin Cronin. It's about as enthralling as The Passage. You've been warned.
Alright. Negative blog post complete. Let's hope that next time I update this blog with a review of The Passage I'll have something nice to say. Because, as we all know, if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.
PS--In case you were wondering, and just to hit it home, Parker's review email was entitled: "The Passage write up. I did this one like a bandaid and just fucking wrote it. Didn't delineate the chapters b/c looking to see what happens in which chapter make me want to die." Yep. That sums it up.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The Passage: Chapters 4-9
I must begin this entry with a warning:
Do not read this book if you have ever read any fantasy/sci-fi/genre literature ever before.
I say this because I think a severe lack of knowledge in this arena is crucial. Evidence: I am tolerating this book. Parker, however, is not.
I assume this is how Parker looks while reading The Passage although we are many miles apart:
Blond wig and all...
I assume this is how Parker looks while reading The Passage although we are many miles apart:
Now to the specifics, the review, if you will...
[This review will begin as a conversation had between Parker and I. This conversation actually happened (for realz) on Monday, October 18th on the wonder that is Gmail Chat. Prepare yourself for our chat-speak. I say 'haha' a lot. And yes, I actually laugh that much.]
1:41 PMme: speaking of black people...i like carter too1:42 PM but he's designed for you to pity him and pity can manifest itself as likabilityhaha
1:43 PM Rachel: .. is carter a book character or a real person? 1:44 PMme: bookhaha
Rachel: jesus.. im sorry. i honestly cant remember any of their namesi want them all to dieso the stupid black ex con as opposed to the stupid white pedophile1:45 PM oh god.. they are victims.. woe
me: haha they probably will...if that's any consolationthat's why i like 6 year old amybecause under any normal circumstance she would be a victimbut i don't feel that way about her at allno pity or concernand perhaps that's because i know she's going to rise above in some way
Rachel: i want to know why everyone in this novel has an iq of like.. 12
1:46 PM me: hahapaulson doesn'tthe book actually says 136hahahahaha
Rachel: is paulson one of the emailers?
me: paulson is probably just a minor character to you right now
Rachel: we're supposed to take it for granted that he is smart b/c he can email
me: he gets slightly biggerhaha
1:47 PM Rachel: i feel like this book got really good reviews bc when you read it you feel like the author is making profound grapes of wrath style commentary about american society
but you cant really figure it out so you say "oh it was brilliant"
whereas i feel like.. this book blows
and is boring
and not inventive at all
not even a little
me: right now it is a pretty bad book...but i'm thinking that because it's so long, it's just taking longer to get to the point
Rachel: that.. is not an excuse
me: hahano it's not
Rachel: go ask mark. he'll say that is no excuse.
me: but it's my hopeful way of saying "please get better"
Rachel: oh its long.. that means i have more room at the beginning to suck?now ay
me: yeah. right now it does blow1:48 PM although i will say that i have definitely noticed i've picked up speed reading post page 150so maybe that's a sign
Rachel: i mean.. people criticise tolkien (ok so he's a mastaer but just for comparisons sake.. which is prolly totally unfair) for his story being too much beginningbut ya kno wwhat.. the beginning is awesome. and who cares if its too long in the graph of the story
me: well and he is telling the story of a whole culture, a whole historyhe has to set it up
Rachel: ok
me: and when its a large subject, it takes a while1:49 PM so tolkien has every reason behind a long beginning
Rachel: good point, but if uh.. whatshisname who wrote the passage... is NOT world building as you claimwhy do i have a whole chapter devoted to telling me how highways cross?i mean jesus
me: hahaha
Rachel: wtf was with that chapter
me: yeah1:50 PM like i said...the only possible explanation is that because he wrote such a long book, he felt the need to have a long beginning??hahaagain, this is what i'm hoping
Rachel: I GET IT YOU GUYS ARE FLYING UNDER THE RADAR.. i dont particularly care how you plan your trip. it is IRRELEVANT DATA
me: because the next 500 pages are going to be rough if they play out like the first 150
Rachel: it doesnt help world building b/c youre in this world just in the future a little. so i get where arkansas is in relationship to mississippiits not like they moved
1:51 PM me: haha
Rachel: at least you have pages. my kindle just tells me percentage read
me: yeah. the only thing i can think of is that it's his fiction, not fantasy, background...and typically fiction has a lot more description?
Rachel: and it is a piddly little percentage
me: hahaha
yeah
Rachel: bullshitfantasy is nothing but description. tolkien spent 2 pages ON A LEAF
1:52 PM me: hahahabut that leaf mattered?
Rachel: noit didntat allpeople hate that damn leaf
me: haha so tolkien's leaf is to cronin's routeshaha
1:53 PM Rachel: not really. i dont find cronin to be a particularly beautiful or talented writerhe lists things
me: yeah. and he has very cliche statements
Rachel: and his author's voice is like.. flowers for algernon when he's retarded again
me: that has been bothering me most
Rachel: honestly its like.. old and tired
me: is that when he has the opportunity to use a cliche-supposed-to-be-deep-
1:54 PM Rachel: is anything beautiful yet? mostly its like.. brown and grey and roads and stickynessi feel like all thes urfaces in his world are sticky
me: i think i'm just going to post this conversation for my blog posthaha
Rachel: and everyone is stupid
me: um. have you gotten to the zoo yet?
Rachel: ive gotten to the nun thinking about eh zoo and how its wrong bu tshes going to take amy there anyways
me: oh man1:55 PM yeah...the action is coming slowly but surely
Rachel: EVERYONE IS SO STUPID.. im like ok awesome your a nun. you do nothing bu treadoh wait.. youre retarded
me: no she's notyou find out more about her too
Rachel: der.. why did i lie? derrrr will amy like the zoo? derrrrr
me: it gets better (not in the gay way) {Sidenote: See this video if you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say 'it gets better (not in the gay way). Or this video. Or this video. Heck. Google "It Gets Better." Voila!} haha1:56 PM i think/hope that cronin's descriptive ways is just to build layers
Rachel: layers of dirty scotch tape?
me: because now knowing what happens with lacey, i can see why he had that whole internal struggle about taking her to the zoohaha
Rachel: i dont know what happens to laceyomg.. please tell me she is eaten by a rampaging lion
me: right
Rachel: trampled by an angry elephant
1:57 PM me: close...hahai'm telling you...it gets better
Rachel: DOES HER FACE GET EATEN OFF BY A VAMPIRE BAT
me: HAHAi think you have to wait til at least page 200 for that to happenactuallyless than thatchapter 11haha
Rachel: i think im on.. chapte 5or 6
me: not lacey thoughi'm telling you1:58 PM it picks up the pacenot a lot, but enoughand then chapter 10 it picks it up a little morei'm not writing off this book entirely yet
Rachel: hilarious. im so tolerant of non paced movies. i love me some period british tv. sitting in chairs. staring.. not talking. sighingbut this book is intolerableits like being at teh dmvthis book is like.. if the dmv wrote a vampire noveland if the dmv were an entity that could write
1:59 PM me: hahait gets betterhahayou are in the thick of the dmv right nowbut come chapter 7 or so, you'll be outside, with your renewed license2:00 PM and then chapter 10 you'll be getting into your car when all of a sudden you realize you don't want your car, you must steal another one
Rachel: lol i hope so
me: it picks up the pacehaha
Rachel: and with that.. my lunch is over. back to the workity grind
me: hahaawesomekeep reading. and if you can get your notes to me by wednesday night, then i'll post before heading to Chi-town!woohoo!
2:01 PM Rachel: no problem. you'll have them.
[This review will begin as a conversation had between Parker and I. This conversation actually happened (for realz) on Monday, October 18th on the wonder that is Gmail Chat. Prepare yourself for our chat-speak. I say 'haha' a lot. And yes, I actually laugh that much.]
1:30 PM me: i am actually AHEAD of our reading schedule!look at that!haha
Rachel: damnim pretty behindimma try1:31 PMim slogging thru this guy whos name i cant remember.. the pedophile who watches the batmen
me: ugh yeahgreyhis story is really not interesting1:32 PM has he puked yet?
Rachel: none of their storeis are very interestingno me: oh
Rachel: he's ruminating on his medication
me: oh yeah..that part was slowi like amythat's about itand i hate richards so much that i enjoy reading the parts about him because it fuels my hate-firehaha
1:33 PM Rachel: who's richards?i .. know none of their names
me: hahahe is like the head guy at the basereal prickwatches the camera footage...kind of head of operationshaha
Rachel: right now all the male characters.. are the same person in my head
me: haha1:34 PM i think wolgast and doyle are unique
Rachel: i mean they are all the mind numbling dumb southern 45 year old. either military or ex con me: all the guys at the base merge together thoughhahayeah
Rachel: i hope something happens soon or im going to be like.. WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE
me: i will say that the book got more interesting after chapter 10
Rachel: library thing has incredibly mixed reviews
Rachel: damnim pretty behindimma try1:31 PMim slogging thru this guy whos name i cant remember.. the pedophile who watches the batmen
me: ugh yeahgreyhis story is really not interesting1:32 PM has he puked yet?
Rachel: none of their storeis are very interestingno me: oh
Rachel: he's ruminating on his medication
me: oh yeah..that part was slowi like amythat's about itand i hate richards so much that i enjoy reading the parts about him because it fuels my hate-firehaha
1:33 PM Rachel: who's richards?i .. know none of their names
me: hahahe is like the head guy at the basereal prickwatches the camera footage...kind of head of operationshaha
Rachel: right now all the male characters.. are the same person in my head
me: haha1:34 PM i think wolgast and doyle are unique
Rachel: i mean they are all the mind numbling dumb southern 45 year old. either military or ex con me: all the guys at the base merge together thoughhahayeah
Rachel: i hope something happens soon or im going to be like.. WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE
me: i will say that the book got more interesting after chapter 10
Rachel: library thing has incredibly mixed reviews
me: page 183 i remember marking because it was where there was finally a point {Pause. Let's ruminate on how much I really do say 'haha', made evident by just this small portion of our conversation. Also, we are pausing because this is where Parker and I had a conversational aside on cultural identity, race and music. Yep, we are interested in more than vampires and bad books. This conversation goes from about 1:35pm to 1:41pm. Back to our regularly scheduled program...}
1:41 PMme: speaking of black people...i like carter too1:42 PM but he's designed for you to pity him and pity can manifest itself as likabilityhaha
1:43 PM Rachel: .. is carter a book character or a real person? 1:44 PMme: bookhaha
Rachel: jesus.. im sorry. i honestly cant remember any of their namesi want them all to dieso the stupid black ex con as opposed to the stupid white pedophile1:45 PM oh god.. they are victims.. woe
me: haha they probably will...if that's any consolationthat's why i like 6 year old amybecause under any normal circumstance she would be a victimbut i don't feel that way about her at allno pity or concernand perhaps that's because i know she's going to rise above in some way
Rachel: i want to know why everyone in this novel has an iq of like.. 12
1:46 PM me: hahapaulson doesn'tthe book actually says 136hahahahaha
Rachel: is paulson one of the emailers?
me: paulson is probably just a minor character to you right now
Rachel: we're supposed to take it for granted that he is smart b/c he can email
me: he gets slightly biggerhaha
1:47 PM Rachel: i feel like this book got really good reviews bc when you read it you feel like the author is making profound grapes of wrath style commentary about american society
but you cant really figure it out so you say "oh it was brilliant"
whereas i feel like.. this book blows
and is boring
and not inventive at all
not even a little
me: right now it is a pretty bad book...but i'm thinking that because it's so long, it's just taking longer to get to the point
Rachel: that.. is not an excuse
me: hahano it's not
Rachel: go ask mark. he'll say that is no excuse.
me: but it's my hopeful way of saying "please get better"
Rachel: oh its long.. that means i have more room at the beginning to suck?now ay
me: yeah. right now it does blow1:48 PM although i will say that i have definitely noticed i've picked up speed reading post page 150so maybe that's a sign
Rachel: i mean.. people criticise tolkien (ok so he's a mastaer but just for comparisons sake.. which is prolly totally unfair) for his story being too much beginningbut ya kno wwhat.. the beginning is awesome. and who cares if its too long in the graph of the story
me: well and he is telling the story of a whole culture, a whole historyhe has to set it up
Rachel: ok
me: and when its a large subject, it takes a while1:49 PM so tolkien has every reason behind a long beginning
Rachel: good point, but if uh.. whatshisname who wrote the passage... is NOT world building as you claimwhy do i have a whole chapter devoted to telling me how highways cross?i mean jesus
me: hahaha
Rachel: wtf was with that chapter
me: yeah1:50 PM like i said...the only possible explanation is that because he wrote such a long book, he felt the need to have a long beginning??hahaagain, this is what i'm hoping
Rachel: I GET IT YOU GUYS ARE FLYING UNDER THE RADAR.. i dont particularly care how you plan your trip. it is IRRELEVANT DATA
me: because the next 500 pages are going to be rough if they play out like the first 150
Rachel: it doesnt help world building b/c youre in this world just in the future a little. so i get where arkansas is in relationship to mississippiits not like they moved
1:51 PM me: haha
Rachel: at least you have pages. my kindle just tells me percentage read
me: yeah. the only thing i can think of is that it's his fiction, not fantasy, background...and typically fiction has a lot more description?
Rachel: and it is a piddly little percentage
me: hahaha
yeah
Rachel: bullshitfantasy is nothing but description. tolkien spent 2 pages ON A LEAF
1:52 PM me: hahahabut that leaf mattered?
Rachel: noit didntat allpeople hate that damn leaf
me: haha so tolkien's leaf is to cronin's routeshaha
1:53 PM Rachel: not really. i dont find cronin to be a particularly beautiful or talented writerhe lists things
me: yeah. and he has very cliche statements
Rachel: and his author's voice is like.. flowers for algernon when he's retarded again
me: that has been bothering me most
Rachel: honestly its like.. old and tired
me: is that when he has the opportunity to use a cliche-supposed-to-be-deep-
1:54 PM Rachel: is anything beautiful yet? mostly its like.. brown and grey and roads and stickynessi feel like all thes urfaces in his world are sticky
me: i think i'm just going to post this conversation for my blog posthaha
Rachel: and everyone is stupid
me: um. have you gotten to the zoo yet?
Rachel: ive gotten to the nun thinking about eh zoo and how its wrong bu tshes going to take amy there anyways
me: oh man1:55 PM yeah...the action is coming slowly but surely
Rachel: EVERYONE IS SO STUPID.. im like ok awesome your a nun. you do nothing bu treadoh wait.. youre retarded
me: no she's notyou find out more about her too
Rachel: der.. why did i lie? derrrr will amy like the zoo? derrrrr
me: it gets better (not in the gay way) {Sidenote: See this video if you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say 'it gets better (not in the gay way). Or this video. Or this video. Heck. Google "It Gets Better." Voila!} haha1:56 PM i think/hope that cronin's descriptive ways is just to build layers
Rachel: layers of dirty scotch tape?
me: because now knowing what happens with lacey, i can see why he had that whole internal struggle about taking her to the zoohaha
Rachel: i dont know what happens to laceyomg.. please tell me she is eaten by a rampaging lion
me: right
Rachel: trampled by an angry elephant
1:57 PM me: close...hahai'm telling you...it gets better
Rachel: DOES HER FACE GET EATEN OFF BY A VAMPIRE BAT
me: HAHAi think you have to wait til at least page 200 for that to happenactuallyless than thatchapter 11haha
Rachel: i think im on.. chapte 5or 6
me: not lacey thoughi'm telling you1:58 PM it picks up the pacenot a lot, but enoughand then chapter 10 it picks it up a little morei'm not writing off this book entirely yet
Rachel: hilarious. im so tolerant of non paced movies. i love me some period british tv. sitting in chairs. staring.. not talking. sighingbut this book is intolerableits like being at teh dmvthis book is like.. if the dmv wrote a vampire noveland if the dmv were an entity that could write
1:59 PM me: hahait gets betterhahayou are in the thick of the dmv right nowbut come chapter 7 or so, you'll be outside, with your renewed license2:00 PM and then chapter 10 you'll be getting into your car when all of a sudden you realize you don't want your car, you must steal another one
Rachel: lol i hope so
me: it picks up the pacehaha
Rachel: and with that.. my lunch is over. back to the workity grind
me: hahaawesomekeep reading. and if you can get your notes to me by wednesday night, then i'll post before heading to Chi-town!woohoo!
2:01 PM Rachel: no problem. you'll have them.
me: woohoo! cya later alligator
So I don't blame you, any of you, if you don't want to read all that (although it's pretty entertaining so I recommend it), so here is the Cliffsnotes version:
CLIFFSNOTES: The Passage Review by Keough and Parker
I say "So I am already past Chapter 9."
Parker says "Really? Because this sucks so hard I can't help but fall asleep or want to die and I'm only on Chapter 6."
[Insert aside.]
I say "Yeah. I understand. But as a person who has gone ahead a little bit, it gets better." (Insert links to videos relating to the recently started "It Gets Better" phenomenon.)
Parker says "REALLY?! I don't believe you. [Insert comparison to Tolkien's leaf. If you want to know what this is all about then you have to read the real-deal. There are no shortcuts to the good stuff in life.]
I say "Well, you don't have to believe me, but I'm still hopeful."
Parker says the *QUOTE OF THE CONVERSATION* or "This book is like if the dmv wrote a book about vampires."
I say awesomely brilliant things about how she's right but that she will soon be less right (if only a teensy, tiny bit.)
We end on a draw. Me thinking she is probably right--This books sucks and will continue to suck--and Parker thinking about lunch.
The End.
(Also, as always, for Parker's more formulated comments on Chapters 4-9, please see "The Passage" tab at the top of the page.)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Passage: The Next Installment
...will be posted tomorrow. Sorry Parker.
Since I am short on time (work and such) and have been in Chicago all weekend, I have neglected my Passage update. I pinky promise that you awaiting readers out there will have your next installment tomorrow.
Until then, a preview of another project I'm working on...
Since I am short on time (work and such) and have been in Chicago all weekend, I have neglected my Passage update. I pinky promise that you awaiting readers out there will have your next installment tomorrow.
Until then, a preview of another project I'm working on...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Passage--It Begins...
Everyone (yes, all 5 of you), meet Parker:
Okay, so not the greatest picture ever, but I'm unsure of how cool she'd be with me posting the picture of her as Hedwig (for Halloween). I am on the left, she is on the right, that is Rockefeller Plaza, and those are two canes we are wielding. Got it?
On the journey through the 766-page behemoth that is Justin Cronin's The Passage, Parker will be my co-pilot. For you readers out there, she will also be the voice of wisdom, for she is far more knowledgeable about this genre of book. That being said--Parker and I reached one similar conclusion after reading the first 50 pages: This is supposed to be about vampires?
In Chapter 1 we met "the Girl from Nowhere" (aka--Amy Harper Bellafonte), who I'm pretty sure isn't a vampire, but as Parker put it so eloquently:
So little baby girl moses, she of the humble beginnings and orphaned life is OF COURSE destined for some sort of messianic future. This is standard. Absolutely NEEDED in all stereotypical epic/fantasy tales. But in case you are coming to this genre as a newcomer our dear author has TOLD us in the first lines that this girl will be VERY IMPORTANT. So take special care when reading the story of her poor mother. If you don't kill yourself before you finish the chapter.
(Note: For the sake of clarity, all direct quotes from Miz Parker are or will be tinted blue.)
So, being that I'm not really a fantasy or sci-fi literature enthusiast, I didn't realize this was a standard or predictable approach. All I thought was that it was really annoying that we get this little, stereotypical vignette about a girl and her single, prostitute mother that we abandon by the very next chapter. Since I have no background in this type of lit, I can't really criticize it based on comparisons to more successful versions--but I can say that the plot line and writing style were easy, at best.
While I was not ready to throw in the towel completely, like Parker, after the first chapter alone, I will admit it was/is taking a lot of effort on my part to get into this book. Parker and I do agree that Chapter 2 was the easier to get into, which may have had to do with its design:
The second chapter totally saved the novel. I LOVE the set up. It reminds me of those old point and click RPGs where you have to find out what has happened and what the mystery is to be solved by finding old letters and newspaper clippings.
Chapter 2 introduced "lear@amedd.army.mil", or Jonas. His plotline is definitely more science-fiction-y than dear old Amy's, but it is still leaving a lot to be desired. For example, WHERE ARE THE VAMPIRES?!?! Parker expressed similar frustration (but with a lot more information on this genre to back up her chutzpah):
I really hope that there are some ancient alien/animal/human hybrid god people in the amazonian jungle that will come out and eat everyone's faces off. Vampires ARE OUR OVERLORDS! The old one's worshipped them, and they lorded their immortality and healing over us puny humansand then they went into the jungle and we forgot them and NOW THEYRE GOING TO SEND THEIR BAT MINIONS TO EAT OUR FACES OFF. Statues are never portenders of good things in fantasy. never.
Chapter 3 was definitely the most interesting for me--which may have something (or a lot) to do with my love for all things Law-and-Order-ish. Chapter 3 brought about Anthony Carter (See: The Green Mile), and Agents Doyle and Wolgast (See: Lennie Briscoe and Rey Curtis, a la Law and Order). The author himself likens this part of the book to the X-Files and he ain't wrong.
All in all, the book is very difficult to get into. Especially since, I believe, there is no one character that is likable or relatable...yet. I have to post the following excerpt from Parker's Chapter 3 write-up, in its entirety, because it's just satirical brilliance:
Where the fuck are the vampires?Armageddon? Post-apocolyptic mail delivering gasoline hoarding Tina Turner's HAIR is coming over for drinks later PLOT?! No let's just follow sad, dumb, boring, did I mention SAD whats-his-name as he exploits yet another down on their luck poor person in the name of Anthony Carter. I'm sure he'll be the hero of the novel at this point because he is the most interesting... because he is confused. 9and probably mentally handicapped) No one else is confused... everyone else is an automoton of plot exposition. God I hope this gets better.
What was happening again? Oh.. yea Mr. Sadmcsadpants and his Partner the plucky but naive Mr Doesitwithcollegegirls are in Texas. Texas sucks. We know Texas sucks because it starts a very long and boring story about how Mr. Sadmcsadpants had to move to Texas when he was in middle school (note: middle school sucks no matter what state you're in) and somehow that led him to getting married and then pregnant and then his baby dies a tragic death of.. what I am assuming is disease or something vampirism could have cured, and then his wife leaves him for some clone of him and there are really embarrassing late phonecalls to the ex wife and crying.
While my reading of this first 50 pages of this book didn't end in an *epic le sigh* or a plea for one of the book's characters to kill me--like Miz Parker's did--I will say it can only get better from here.(**For Parker's full write-up, please see the tab that says The Passage.)
If it doesn't, well then I may be asking for some iced tea and a better introduction into this genre of novel.
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